I read a blog called, Modestly Yours, and recently Cady posted a blog entitled What Our Sons See. With all do respect to Cady and the love she has for her son, I thought her post was a very feminine perspective of a male issue, so I wrote my own manly response to her post:
Hi Everyone! I thought I’d jump into the discussion an give a manly man’s perspective on teaching boys about woman and modesty.
First, let me start off by saying that I’m not in anyway trying to attack modesty, and I completely agree with you all on it. However, I’ll try to say this with a lot of gentleness, but I think when it comes to teaching your son to “avert his gaze,” you got it all wrong. Also, I don’t think that spousal dissatisfaction, infidelity, pornographic addiction, and sexual violence has anything to do with “a simple look, a tiny thought, a small seed of lust.” This is a myth that woman believe about men, and nothing could be further from the truth.
If you want your son to value women with honour and integrity, certainly he should follow his father’s example, but not specifically the “averting the eyes” example. For men, it’s not a matter of “don’t look,” it’s so much more.
Here’s another myth about sexual addictions and sexual problems: that they’re caused by a man’s sexual desire, hormones, etc. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sexual problems actually have nothing to do with sex. They are caused by other things, such as loneliness, power and control issues, shame and guilt, and other non-sexual (but maybe sexualized) things. Here’s a quick video by Dr. John Townsend that kind of explains it better.
The problem I have with teaching your son to “avert his gaze” is that what you’re really doing is building a guilt trap inside of him that is one day going to explode and fill his soul with so much guilt that will lead him to the very sexual problems you don’t want for him.
Instead here’s what I think you should be doing:
Teach your son the truth that he’s stronger and more manly than Chuck Norris and Old Spice Man combined. When your 9-year-old saves you and his sisters from aliens with his very own spaceship, be sure you all give him a kiss and acknowledge his bravery. Playing role playing games like this is definitely a must! Whenever you are in trouble, your 9-year-old son is the hero you turn to! Tell him he’s your hero, and mean it!
One of the most important tools you can give your son is a well defined set of boundaries. Teach him where he begins and ends as an individual. That he has the power to say no, that he’s not responsible (he doesn’t own) other people’s feelings, but that he is however, responsible for his own feelings. Good boundaries will give him strong control over his life, and give him the power to choose to live a life of honour and integrity.
When your son is older and he gets cut from the team of his favourite sport, surround him with the most incredible amount of love when he becomes addicted to video games and plays them twenty-four seven. Go easy on how much you criticize him, it’s more important to show him how much you love him. Perhaps you can let him show you just how good he is at his favourite video game (hint, hint). And then when you do take his Xbox away from him, remind him of the time when he was little and saved you and his sisters from the aliens with his space ship.
As for your role in all of this, be the woman he should value. Show him how a real woman treats her husband, with respect (this is a whole other topic). Then when it comes time for him to find his princess, he’s going to remember how his mom treated his dad and look for a woman just like you. Of course he’ll never admit to his mom that he’s captivated by her… but you’ll figure it out when you meet his wife.
Your son will turn out to be just like Mr. Darcy–he might not have all the smooth moves, but he’ll make all right decisions, like helping Elizabeth Bennet’s sister, and protecting the ones he loves.
I hope my response clarifies why I think the whole “averting your gaze” approach is wrong. The “don’t do it, look the other way” approach will just lead to guilt, and likely cause the sexual problems you want to avoid. Instead, show him how strong he is, teach him good boundaries, surround him with love, and be the woman he should value.
Oh… and here’s a secret, and probably something that will be very hard for you to do if it should ever happen. If you ever catch your son, or even your husband for that matter, looking at porn, don’t criticize! Instead love. Remember what I said about sexual problems and addictions having nothing to do with sex? I can certainly guarantee that it has nothing to do with how you look (in the case of your husband). Likely it’s something like stress at work or school, maybe loneliness that he feels, or maybe some relational thing between you and him (in the case of your husband) or your son and his girlfriend. Likely it’s probably something about not being good enough. Certainly they are responsible for their actions and feelings, but love is much more powerful than criticism in changing their behaviour. (And in some situations a loving response can mean having a certain consequence for certain behaviour) It may be hard for you to do this, but if you want the power to respond in a loving way, then think ahead of time of how you would respond and what you would do if you caught your son or husband looking at porn.
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