I’m sitting here in the ATAC building watching a bunch of “boys” play with some “toys.” In other words, there’s some kind of press conference going on in the ATAC in the internet cafe area. In front of me I’m probably looking equipment worth well over $100,000, and that’s probably just for the three cameras I see in front of me. There’s a Dougal Media reporter here, and some other crew, which could be a university crew. I think it’s great watching the poor Dougal Media reporter try to do everything by herself–all for the sake of effieciency. Sadly, I think all of them are from Dougal Media, and none of the other cameramen want to help the lone reporter who has to juggle a camera and a microphone.
Ah… the Chronicle Journal just arrived. And Fred is trying to get her to hurry up.
Anyway… I thought I would just take a few minutes while I’m at school to unwind and blog. It’s kind of nice here in the ATAC building; it is a lot quieter than the Agora. I think right now I could use a bit of quiet time, because I feel that in the next little while attention is going to be turned away from me, and I’m going to be heading in the same direction as Cain. In otherwords I’m going to become bitter and withdrawn.
“And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering. And Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. So the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.”
–Genesis 4:4-7
I’ll point out that my reason that I feel I will be feeling like this has nothing remotely to do with anyone who is reading this blog… So don’t worry, you’re great. If you wanna know, ask me later.
The one thing I like about sitting in the ATAC building is that the ventallation system sounds like a large waterfall, and the large glass window to my right makes me feel like I’m sitting in a greenhouse.
I had spontaneous lunch with Nathan today. It was a good time. Hmm… time, time is such a constraint. Lunch today felt like one of those, am I in trouble lunches? The reason I felt like that was because I filled out the little Plunge survey and “said” stuff. It’s always nice when you say stuff, eh? But lunch went okay, and it wasn’t like an IITL. I wish I could do more brainstorming stuff, creative stuff, but it seems like I’m hindered by time. My time, and other people’s time.
Hey I was just remembering the last time I had a real, “I’m in trouble lunch” with someone. It was over something that I didn’t do, and I remember that afterwords I spent most of the night crying because I felt pretty bad about it. I didn’t stand up for myself when I was being lectured–what’s the point? Now when I think back to that moment, I’m starting to think that maybe it wasn’t exactly all my fault. I had questions about what I was supposed to do, and I asked for help… but no one helped me. Also, the person who lectured me said something else that hurt me, “when you volunteered to organize the whole thing, the person in charge did not want to give you that responsibility because he didn’t trust you. He thought that you would do something like you just did.” Now, when I’m thinking back to that remark, and can’t help but think he was completely wrong, and lecturing me like the way he did was completely jerkish. I did a lot more than that one thing I did not do.
I only want to be like Jesus. I only want to lead the way He did. I don’t want to take credit, or get honour, I just want to serve. Whether I actually do that or not, is a different matter, but the whole point is that I am trying. In fact, I probably do want credit and honour. I can’t help but think that sometimes I might be the ‘youth group Christian begging for Bible bucks.’ In other words, maybe subconsciously I think this is some kind of popularity contest.
Reading the draft of this blog entry makes me think about something I just said: “I only want to lead the way that Jesus did.” What does that mean?
I’ll leave this blog entry open for comment.
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