Just a quick thought about the talent night. I can’t help but feel like evaluating myself, assess how good I did, how much of a fool I made of myself, and so on. Most of all, I want to worry about what others thought of me. What causes this anxiety of success or failure is not so much of a mystery to me anymore.
What I really find amusing about the whole thing is how impulsive I am. First I said I was going to do it, and then I said that I was not. Finally, on Friday I decided that I would do it, and saw it through once I told Nathan. I feel like I’m all over the place. For instance, earlier in the week I decided that I would not go to Higher Grounds, but instead work on homework. At the last minute I changed my mind and decided that I would go, and it was pretty close to the last minute. I think people, and the desire to be with people who could love me—not so much the desire to love others—triggers the impulsiveness.
I’ve been thinking about how life isn’t really that “figured out.” Emotions, feelings, decisions, our actions, are hardly ever that rational. Life seems to be about coping with the reality that you are insane—at least by our own definition of the word. Also, in life, there seems to be something every week that’s killing you and bringing you down—all related to worry. Exams, relationships, decisions, plans for the future, are among things bit the worrying gut. Then there’s always the blog you posted a few days ago that you regret. What’s worse is how your perspective can change in just a few days, what was bad then doesn’t seem as awful now–that creates regret.
This is life, and endless constant mess.
Speaking in front of an audience sometimes can be a lot like talking to a brick wall—the brick wall usually does not give very much feedback and exists in its own world.
You know what’s a real talent? Showing patience. Looking out for someone else’s needs long before your own.
Laying down your life for someone else.
“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey me, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father and remain in his love. I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you. And here is how to measure it–the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends.”
–John 15:9-13
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